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  • Topic: The urge, the guilt and the unpredictability of it all

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    • April 5, 2011 3:33 PM BST
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      I'm sure its not just me, but trying to predict when I'm realy needing to be girly is driving me crazy. Sometimes I go weeks without thinking about it, other times I think about it all day for days on end. Then the pangs of guilt afterwards. Many a time I have thrown out shoes, wigs and clothing saying never again. Maybe its the influence of the moon. Anyone have similar problems? Im not complaining because I know that being Debbie makes me who I am and I Wouldn't give her up for anything.
    • April 6, 2011 7:56 AM BST
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      The "purge cycle" is very common amongst the TG community. The best advice I was given was by a mature T girl at the Philbeach Hotel around 1996. Dont ever purge your things or feel guilty but enjoy the time you spend as a T girl; you cant stop being one or having those joy and guilt feelings - so enjoy the girly time.
      Unlike lots of girls I am no longer married or in a long term relationship, so I am lucky to be able to dress when I want ( well mostly but not always..lol) and long since stopped purging or feeling guilty.
      Some other good advice can be found in Vernon Coleman's book "Men in Dresses" ( free on line).
      Hope that helps. hugs Pauline xxxxxxxxxx
    • April 6, 2011 8:18 AM BST
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      i agree with pauline when i got divorced from my first wife and met my second i got rid of all my girly things as i thought i was over it but within 3 months the urge started to get stronger and now i am constantly thinking of going 24/7 i do feel guilt at times but the need to dress is stringer than the guilt and when dressed i feel complete so i guilt or no guilt i cant and dont want to stop

      thanx pauline will check out the book to

      hugs xxxx
    • April 6, 2011 9:31 AM BST
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      Thanks Pauline, I will check out that book. Glad I'm not alone xx
    • April 6, 2011 10:09 AM BST
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      I think most girls go through this we all want to be normal whatever that is, I just love my femme side and wish I could get out more and I am now one of the luvky ones who has an understanding female partner, So I get more out time and am now constantly looking to improve my femme look. xx
    • April 6, 2011 12:17 PM BST
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      Hi, no you clearly are not the only one, my only current limits to dressing as me are dictated by where I live, ie I am not in my own living space, I will never purge, and I don't feel guilty other than in terms of not recognising me so much earlier in my life, I also seem to be in the position of having found a gg who might perhaps be compatible after two very failed and damaging (for me) ltr's. Once again thank you Pauline re Vernon Colemans book, I will check it, I also have another reference which I will add in to this but want to read it first before I can reccomend it

      xoxo amj xoxo
    • April 6, 2011 2:52 PM BST
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      Debbie, You are not alone and believe me that is one of the huge pluses of the net - that you can find kindred spirits to chat with and maybe meet.
      Pre the internet it was a different world, especially for anyone who was firmly in the closet - and going out was not so simple as it is now.
      I can only reiterate what i said before - dont feel guilty, enjoy the girly time ( and DONT purge)
      hugs Pauline xxxxxxxx
    • April 6, 2011 3:04 PM BST
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      A lot of the book rang true with me, especially how my dressing has increased from a pair of knickers to full blown wig, make up, boobs an all. Long may it continue to evolve !
    • April 6, 2011 6:38 PM BST
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      I know exactly how it feels, I'm in the closet and have struggled with the guilt several times in the past, and no doubt in the future too. I have learned to accept who I am, and made the decision that I won't purge again, although Suzy not appear every now and then. I also have no idea when I will be dressed again, but that's the life I chose so I can live with it. Suzy xx
    • April 6, 2011 7:37 PM BST
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      I do not think I ever felt guilt about who and what I am.
      Yes I have purged my wardrobe a few times, but only due to pressures of work and such where I could not take my wardrobe with me, though on one occasion I did dump everything I had as a person I cared for deeply decided to get envolved with someone else, and so doing decided for reasons only beknown to themselves, did damage every thing I had.
      But I like being who I am:)
    • April 6, 2011 9:21 PM BST
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      I've never felt guilty about who I am, I think of myself as a girl, just at the moment I cant do a lot about becoming a real girl, as for purging, I've semi-purged which I did recently mainly throwing out any mini skirts I had, now I'm getting maturer with age I have to dress my age too, so my semi - purge meant I have room in my wardrobe for more clothes
    • April 6, 2011 10:45 PM BST
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      I have experienced all of the same things the guilt the purges, I hate to think how much gear I have thrown out over the years. I no longer buy into the idea that something must be wrong with me. I love kimmy and all she is, she completes me in a way that nothing else ever has
    • April 6, 2011 11:21 PM BST
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      Purges are expensive. Instead of chucking stuff out fold it neatly and pack it away safely. Then you have it for a rainy day - as long as you packed a nice brolly too.
      The real issue here though concerns the guilt that leads to purges. Before doing anything ask yourself one question - where does the guilt come from?
      As Marianne I feel wonderful, don't harm anyone, enjoy life and make people laugh. Is there anything wrong with that? Should I feel guilty for feeling so nice? The answer is no. I have nothing to feel guilty about, everything to feel happy about.
      So the guilt comes from somewhere else - it comes from outside - and it comes from fear about how we will be viewed by others. The guilt comes from a moral code that says a man wearing a dress is abnormal. But what sort of moral code is that? One that stinks of hypocrisy. One that at worse has led to the licensed abuse of women, children, lesbians, gays, transgendered people for centuries and at best has led to partners, friends and family being blinkered by prejudice and ignorance about what we are doing. Let's tell the world that a moral code that gets hung up about men putting on pretty frocks but thinks that nuclear weapons are really ok is not one decent people want any part of.
      And that's why the first and only purge we need is the one that gets rid of any guilt any of us may feel. How do we do that? By coming together, supporting each other and having a ball.
      The more we have a ball and show the world what they are missing the better the world will become. And Julie - times winged chariot is making me have similar thoughts about my minis! XXXXX
    • April 7, 2011 12:20 AM BST
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      Marianne agreed- with everything you said except for the minis - simple think meerkat- just wear leggings with em - and if you are that bothered - I will give you my address lol ;) I don't have enough!!!
    • April 7, 2011 7:30 AM BST
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      Totally agree Marianne, why should we feel guilty in a skirt or a dress.
      As for the minis (I don't think you are ever too old for those....and as April Mae says you can wear leggings or opaque tights. Its the same with short dresses, though there trousers are an option and look good under a dress too). P xxx
    • April 7, 2011 8:26 AM BST
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      So what would be a rough age to get rid of the minis. I'm 44 and its what I wear most. I think as long as the legs look ok, why cover them up.
    • April 7, 2011 9:53 AM BST
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      so from guilt to minis 2 forums in 1 lol
      me i will wear minis til me legs fall off lol i love them and dont own many longer skirts or dresses so minis all the way

      "long live the mini "
      xx
    • April 7, 2011 10:09 AM BST
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      When is a rough age to stop wearing minis.....in my coffin I think. Lets just say I am north of 44 age wise and though these days I wear them mainly for indoor sports - men do so love them with stockings - they do look great with leggings and boots for outdoor wear.

      I usually wear knee length skirts or dresses when out and about - but its all a personal choice and ...as amymichelle says "wear minis till your legs fall off".

      P xxx
    • April 7, 2011 11:56 AM BST
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      Guilt! Being a convent girl I know about guilt. It’s that thing the nun’s beat into you to ensure that you kept to the straight and narrow through life. Well I am straight but I’m not narrow! I have cross dressed since I was in the Infants where all the classes were run by nuns, strict but very nice. I certainly left with a habit. Sorry! I was probably identifying with strong women even then. That seems to be a theme. Anyway, I left the convent with a conscience as well as gender confusion. Both are still with me decades later. I know what I do is sinful and naughty. It is a selfish act. My life shouldn’t be about me but about others. I don’t therefore leave the closet and force my problems into the lives of others where they would cause hurt. I try to go through life without hurting people even if it means that my own life is not entirely fulfilled in all senses. Don’t I sound a saint? Well let me say that my life is not without pain and near misses. If I think of the consequences of my actions the only safe thing to do would be to give up being my other self completely. I have purged many times and yet I am still here. Everyone says why bother purging you’ll only be back. I think this is true but you wouldn’t hear from anyone who had done it successfully would you?
      But I’m not getting any younger and sooner or later I will need to make that last purge so I don’t cause hurt after I’m gone. If there was an AA for trannies, I would have tried it long ago. I go to confession to confess my sin, but I so like being Joan. Losing her would be like losing a leg. She gives me a certain support. But I could do without the guilt. Or could I? Being clandestine, a covert female, secretive, carries a certain frisson all of its own. It’s like operating behind enemy lines and torture if you get caught. It’s naughty but nice. It’s not nice because it’s naughty, that’s an extra bit!
      I never feared the nun’s. I don’t fear my maker and wouldn’t be surprised to find that God was a woman after all. The guilt gives me an edge when I’m Joan. She is careful; the guilt keeps me, and those I interact with, out of trouble even though it means carrying an extra bag through life. Thank goodness for guilt! I wonder if Heaven has an M&S?
    • April 7, 2011 1:22 PM BST
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      Having just returned from another purge, its so nice to know that i'm not alone. I think it seems everyone has at least one cold turkey purge at some point.

      I would definitely echo what Marianne has said and fold stuff away instead of throwing it away. I did this last time and obviously knew in my heart i couldn't just walk away from Lucy

      I now that Lucy is and always will be a massive part of me and when i do feel guilty i just try and think how bad it feels after a few months of not dressing! I do this for me and i'm not hurting anyone so Lucy is here to stay!!

      And Definitely wear Mini's til your legs fall off!! :-) X X X
    • April 7, 2011 1:39 PM BST
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      I wasn't suggesting that everyone get rid of their mini skirts, its just that for me personally I am now pass the stage of wearing them, if you want to carry on wearing mini skirts right up to the end then do so
    • April 7, 2011 1:50 PM BST
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      Purges are a well recognised part of the tranny experience. I've been through 7 or 8 largely fuelled by guilt over the effect of Robbi on my wife to whom Robbi is totally unacceptable; then drifted back into the shopping and dressing.
      I have gone through periods when I have taken some awful looking pics and decided it isn't worth it, then come up with a stunner.
      I was about to give it all up when I found TINT (late 2009) which refuelled the fantasy, though I have to admit the fantasy has become less and less fulfilling, and is a lonely experience, as my health makes it difficult to do the very late nights needed in the London area if you want to meet up with other T-girls,, and opportunity to get there is limited due to my family situation.
      I have reached a place where to continue would mean turning my back on my family to do it.
      Is it worth it? I am too old to make a clean break, as this move would leave me on a greatly reduced income with no way of rebuilding it (pension next year) and loss of all my relationships: a lot to give up for a 'virtual, fantasy existence' where the only reality is actually my camera and my wife's disapproval..
      Robbi is as much a rebel statement as anything else, but I am losing the drive and energy to be a rebel.
      I identify a lot with what Joan has to say but for Robbi, I think her days are numbered, and Transtastic just doesn't have the pull for me that TINT did. Sadly often now, TINT just won't load on my computer.
      However, until that happens, I wouldn't be without a miniskirt. If you look good, what does age matter? And I always prefer holdups with them. Euthanasia will kick in for Robbi when she looks awful if not sooner, though retirement is probably a better word.
    • April 7, 2011 3:13 PM BST
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      Robbi for you with your income surely the day dressing service thing is a definite goer- No danger choice of settings and scenery to suit- yes it is a bit costly but not as costly as losing your family and half your house!!! minimum!!!
    • April 7, 2011 4:03 PM BST
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      Robbi, why hang up your heels and miniskirts? April Mae has a good suggestion - and there maybe dressing places where you can also store your own clothes - like Dee Selecta and others here in the North West - for a small monthly fee. Gives you a place to dress and one to go out from as well. At least it bears thinking about.

      As regards TINT - well all I see is lots of energy from you in helping getting this site going. And threads like this never ever happened there - leastways they didnt the 3 + years I was there. I think Transtastic is better than TINT, and its still hatching from its egg.
      hugs Pauline xxxxxxx
    • April 7, 2011 9:45 PM BST
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      Dear April and Pauline, Thanks for the suggestions and support. What it will come down to in the end is how much I feel the need to be Robbi, and what purpose is it serving. That is in the balance. You are right about throwing myself including a lot of pics and comments into this sight, but I can't pretend I am enjoying it as much.
      I appreciate you and will keep you posted, but the guilt side of it all is a bigger deal than I bargained for.

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