Oh where do I begin? It's been a few months since I wrote anything last. Haven't really been up to it. Said briefly, I am lonely and isolated and the situation isn't changing fast enough.Â
I recently wrote an entry about a cat of mine that I had to put to down because she was hit by a car Monday of last week. This isn't about that. It is however more of my moaning about life as it is at present.
Please note, I try to stay upbeat, but it isn't easy. Honestly, if it were not for my cats I would have caved-in long ago (about almost 3 years now). They really help me to keep up my spirits. Sadly, I live in Southern Norway still. I have made approximately 0 friends since I moved here. I did almost lose one friend back in august. She sort of bought the farm and almost killed herself in a moment of paranoid delusional thinking. Fortunately, she says that the she will be fine, but she has some scars from the burns on her back, legs, and arms. It's not been the best of years to be honest.Â
I am honestly working on getting out of here. The latest plan is to try to get a drivers license, but there are many complications with that. However, the freedom it would bring would be a huge relief. I would be able to drive just about anywhere. Who knows since I live so close to Kristiansand and there is a ferry to Denmark, maybe I drive to visit some people in the UK. It isn't as if I do not know how to drive. I am just a bit out of practice. It is like riding a bicycle though. You never forget. I just need to pass the stupid theory exam and then take two or three course, one is ice driving, the other is safety, and i think maybe a third if I want to be able to haul a trailer the so-called B96 licence. I would then be able to move somewhere else. Of course, I do not know where I would move to.
Transition is a funny and sad thing to do on your own. Partly because I cannot impress myself, thus I do not dress to impress. I just wear what I feel is good enough to get the job done. I have been accused of dressing androgynous by both my doctor, rikshospitalet, and therapist.Â
Oh did I mention yet that I have been referred back to therapy? Because apparently, I need a case handler. Norway is so unbelievably terrified about false positives that they go to great lengths to deny people. I am not the only one in this country to encounter this. Just recently, I was reading a thread on /r/transgender about Norway being such a horrible country to transition in. The gatekeepers are horrid. Last time it went tits up and I yelled in exasperation as I was confused for another patient.
Let the following situation sit with you for a moment. I was sitting there, expecting to finally hear those "okay, you're in" words. What I got instead was "tell me about your childhood" and I said, no this is crap. I've been over this 6 times before it's in my file. I was then asked about self-harm, to which I was genuinely confused. I don't self-harm I said. What about when you checked yourself into Lier Hospital for that, she said matter-of-factly. I was like what are you talking about woman!? I did no such thing. Then she asks me if I have a history of amnesia or forgetting things. Seriously. Oh, but it didn't stop there, she then asks about how I told them last time that I thought I might be HIV Positive. I threw my hands up in exasperation and said I was going. I said, no, I told them that my brother was HIV positive, but taking medications to keep it suppressed. I never said I had. "I'll call the hospital when we are done to confirm," was all she said. So, I left rather gutted.
As things turn out, they had "accidentally" mixed some other trans patients records in with mine. If I was a lesser person, I would have said this to the Newspaper, but I know better than that. I do not want to go to the papers to tell them that some other transwoman patient has these problems. Good grief, the poor woman doesn't need to read about that in the papers!
Other things happening this year well, I became a mother to 4 young kittens. Three girls and one Boy. They are all great. Teenagers now. So, I now have 6 cats. One of them I actually own, but I just cannot get rid of the others. Well, I could if I really had to. They are all sweet and like humans.
Living in the rural countryside hasn't helped anything. At least there is the bus.Â
Also, today is my birthday, so I thought I would write about how things are.
Folks, I live in Norways Bible Belt. I live less than 150 meters from a church and Christian Meeting Hall. I only moved here because of a friend, who then later moved to the Netherlands and set herself alight.
I have an appointment in two weeks time at the Rikshospitalet. I wonder what sort of nonsense they will try to come up with this time? I really wish that I could say that I went out with Caroline, Karoline, Debra, Casey, or any number of you fine ladies this weekend so I would have something to talk about.
I have been working on a few projects with my ex-wife, well, she does 90% of the actual work. I just seem to sit here and twiddle my thumbs. Electronics things. The latest idea is a robotic arm and our own 3-axis pcb engraver/milling machine. I won't go on about that.
I did buy some new make up some YSL eyeliner and some M.A.C. Matte Lipsticks. Really, I need to get more proper stuff and learn how to properly do make up. As for clothes. I am a coward when it comes to shopping for things except for food and electronics and general stuff. I freeze the second I get near a clothing store! Maybe in time I will. For now, I buy things on the internet.
Well, ta ta for now!
Hugs and Kisses,
Rachel xxx
