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  • 15 Dec 2013
    Maybe it's because I've been slightly tipsy tonight, maybe it was the fact that it was 230 in the morning, when I went downstairs to knock on my neighbours door. But somehow. I managed to blurt out that I was TS and he could call me Rachel. We had a good quick conversation and made our apologies.  He said he had tried to contact me earlier, but I didn't answer my door. Anyway, what is done cannot be undone.   This is just the first of many such occurences. I trembled and shook for 15 minutes after. Was I terrified that he would hit me or freak out or laugh? Was I afraid he might have some kind of a backlash? Honestly, I wasn't sure. I was shaking about as much as I did when I yelled at my dad after my mum had a stroke and he didn't take her to Hospital immediately. It's one thing to come out to a very close friend or someone else who is transgendered. It's something else altogether to come out to your neighbour, or other friends, and family.    It reminds me of when I went to a work site after my therapy session with make up on. The proprieter noticed and said as much. More like in a joking fashion that everyone could do what they wanted to do. If I wanted to wear make up now that was my thing. I didn't have the where-with-all to say I was TS. Although, it is an adult boutique. I still have a few hundred people to come out to.   Whether or not my neighbour will remember this or not tomorrow, I don't know. I don't think it would be something I would forget . I don't even know why I told him. Maybe just so he wouldn't think I was weird if he saw me in  make up. Maybe he is downstairs telling his party guests that I'm a freak. But he didn't freak out. He just was like wow, okay. Rachel. (yes, I told him to call me that). i think it is because he used my real name and I just blurted it out. It's bound to happen sometime. There are now. only a very small handful of people irl, that know now. Their names aren't important right now. In a way it is a good thing that I don't know that many people.    Honestly, I don't hang out with that many people here in Norway. I'm bizarre in that I don't like large groups of people, I like to be alone. However, at the same time, I hate being lonely. I like living around people who share common interests and where we don't get in each others way. Unfortunately, I have a difficult time opening up to strangers. But as I have to make annoucements about being out, I guess it makes it easier.    I am a much happier person because baggage is being slowly shed. I thank everyone here for the encouragement they have provided thus far. Deborah Taylor, Amy TGurl, Carol Tights, Gemma V3™, Fiona Cole, Katrina Roberts, Carol Tights, Jaqui Jackson, Raven Drake, Crimson, Gemme Maquillage, Pauline Smith, Peter Oram, Mal Redman, and anyone else who has been encouraging or said a kind word, if I forgot your name I apologize.    Thanks ^^   Rachel xxx
    988 Posted by Rachel Maxwell
  • 14 Jan 2014
    Okay, so. I just had two appointments today both with doctors, but for different reasons. The first wasn't very happy that my blood sugar was higher than last time. A full point higher in fact. Yes, I take full credit for that. Having a poor financial situation at the moment is really getting on my nerves. That was just a regular check-up and not much to say. However, at the other appointment, it was different. Asle wanted to talk about the depression I mentioned at the last session. So, I kept to the script as closely as possible without ad-libbing. Actually that's not true, I flubbed many of my lines. Just kidding, there is no script. I did not once say that I didn't want to transition though. I just told him that I questioned myself "Can I do this?" Ultimately, I told him, "I have to".He did point out that my depression was apparent. And to a trained psychologist, I know he isn't bullshitting me. I know I'm depressed! I'm not happy with a lot of things in my life. My body is something that I've not taken very good care of for many many years. Finding the motivation to do so is daunting at the best of times. In light of this, he recommended that I ask my doctor for a prescription for Cirpralex. So, I am going to schedule an appointment with him next week, I hope (should have money for that by then). I'm excited to be getting help. I did ask Mr. Offerdal if this would have any negative impact on my going to the State GID clinic, and he said no. He did say that it takes 6 months before I can see them. So, either in july or august it seems! He said he would talk with Maria and then write his report. I'm so terrified! Not because I don't think she would help me or what she would say. Oh, no, I'm just worried that he might try to find a reason to delay this. I don't think he would do that though. Or would he? Comments and thoughts?
    979 Posted by Rachel Maxwell
  • 09 Dec 2013
    Dear Diary, Words of warning, this entry will be all over the place.Well, the therapist is just full of surprises. I guess I misunderstood him last time. He keeps saying that he will refer me, but he wants to see me two more times. I really hope he isn't trying to drag this out. Maybe 5 visits is what the magic number is, I don't know. It doesn't seem like it. He did ask me today at the end of the session if I had any questions. And I responded with When can I get anti-angrogens. To which he replied when you've been referred to the proper clinic. I stated that I couldn't wait to be on my way. He responded with, "You are already on your way". Really mixed feelings. I know that it is his job to weed people out. You don't want to be the doctor that someone later blames in life for letting you do something like this. It is pretty major. I know of one person who had ffs and srs and then later regretted that for reasons I am not certain of. It is a lifetime of change.  I felt very comfortable today in public looking like this. I dare say I felt really girlie. I envy the young girls and women my age who have had a lifetime of being beautiful and feminine. Especially the voice. I found myself observing and cataloguing the differences between the male and female vocal abilities. Sadly, I was genetically gifted with a rich bassy set of chords. Fortunately, I can do some voices. Someone told me I need to find my female voice, but everytime I look online for it, nobody has a copy.  Anyway, the session was a bit different than the last one. It almost felt like, now he had enough information to start asking some questions. He asked some doozies. How did I feel? Why did I say that the clothes didn't matter. What did my ex-wife think wasn't very manly about me.  I told him that I was aware there were complications with surgery and even just hrt. I know things can go wrong. I told him that I didn't expect to look like a super model. I just wanted to look more fem. I forgot to mention that my voice also needed work, but I will surely bring it up next time. Next appointment is in a months time 14. January 2014.    So I am happy that he says I'm on my way, but sad that it is being prolonged. But this is no doubt a test. One that I plan on passing I plan on colouring my hair as well. What colour I won't say right now, but I think it will be nicer.  Anyway, will add another entry later if I think of something else.
    955 Posted by Rachel Maxwell
  • 06 Aug 2014
    It's time for another update.  I have only a little news. It is good news. The skin clinic near me finally came back from their summer holidays. Today I managed to ring them and arrange an appointment for next wednesday. The type of appointment? Full facial laser hair removal. Althougth I might see if I can somehow talk them into doing only half the face since I don't have that much hair on my face. Last week I ordered a braun silk-épil 7891, and I retrieved it from the post office this morning. I haven't had a chance to unbox it yet though. I am looking forward to that. I also ordered a corset from China. I hope to receive that in a week or two. A friend of mine has a friend who has a cat which has had kittens. I have asked for two of them. ^_^ A black one and a grey one. They should be weened from their mum in about 2 or 3 weeks. So, I expect my friend to deliver them to me ^_^. I am super excited. Now, I won't be alone anymore. Although sadly, that does leave one kitten from the litter alone. Maybe not so alone as it will be with its mum or go to another home. I don't know what sex they are yet though. It doesn't matter though. My journey towards being a cat lady has begun! I got a new bed and matress and some other things from IKEA. I haven't assembled the other things yet. Something to work on I guess.  Next week I also have my GID Clinic appointment. This happening the day after I get my face hairs scorched out means I will not be wearing make up. Honestly, I haven't been shaving completely. I do have a trimmer though and use that everyday. I just didn't want to dull a bunch of razors needlessly. I was advised to get as "clean" a shave as possible on my face. This is where things start to ramp up. Why the wait? Well, because you want to give yourself that chance of escape. I have heard tales about some people who went to their countries respective gid clinics or hormone therapy and other changes and then later had great regrets. If I had any doubts though those are long gone. I just know that the process is going to be gradual. Once I start having more visible changes, I will no doubt get more into it. Everyone goes through this differently I guess. Am looking forward to it at any rate. Peace be with you all. Love, Rachel  
    950 Posted by Rachel Maxwell
Member's Blogs 168 views Jul 19, 2018
Good news...

I'm moving!

After 3 years of living here, I've had enough.  Late last month I had an appointment at the Norwegian Mental Health Department for being treated for Transsexualism. The psych is a really nice fellow. His name is Yngve (pronounced Ingve). We had a pretty good chat. Towards the end of it, he asked me what my plans were with my therapist because some things came up that needed to be discussed. He also told me that he didn't think I would move anytime soon.

After all, I have been saying for at least the past 2 years, I might be moving soon. Now, some people might just ignore this post, and I'm okay with that. I have been saying a lot of things over the years. About my loneliness, about being isolated, basically stuck. Anyway, I took what this shrink said and said Fuck it, I will move. So at the beginning in July, I started seriously looking for a new flat. I found one, and it was quite a ways away. Somewhat north of Oslo by about 45 km. I looked at the pictures and thought, I want this. It's summer, probably few interested parties, so I asked for a viewing. Keep in mind I live near Kristiansand. It takes four and a half hours to get to Oslo either via coach or train. It also costs money. But I had decided I had to take the chance.

So, I went up to the viewing and used the weekend staying at my ex-wifes in Oslo. The actual renters were on holiday in the mountains, but I got to meet the current rentee and see the place. It was really nice. Less than 5 minutes walk away from the train station, the local supermarket, and about 10 minutes walk to the Shopping Centre. The guy said that there was one other viewing the coming Friday, but he wasn't sure he wanted to be around for that, and asked if I really wanted it. Both Maria and I said, yes, definitely, You don't need to be here for that. And with that I went home with a bit of trepidation.

As soon as I got home, I rang my landlord to give him my notice. He sort of expected this phone call, but I could tell he wasn't entirely pleased even though I have been a very good renter. Perhaps not the tidiest of persons, but certainly have had no complaints against me. I don't play loud music, I don't smoke or make much noise. I keep to myself. I have cats.

The Problem with Cats...

They aren't allowed in the new place. I am trying to get help in finding them new homes. I guess to some 4 sounds like a lot of cats. It isn't though. It's a good number. But they are well-adjusted to being around other cats. I hope to write that they all have new homes before I move.

 

Continuing...

I was asked if I could come for a signing and deposit on Sunday and Monday, to which I said yes. So, I once again took a journey on the coach to Oslo, and then to Kløfta to sign the contract and get the keys. There was a surprise when they wanted half a months rent, but I managed it. Barely. I will spare you all the details.

I also managed to secure the deposit when I got home via Internet Banking, which was nice.

Now, I'm focused on getting ready for the move. Hiring a moving agency, changing addresses, setting up mail forwarding, and starting to pack. Fortunately, I don't have all that many things that I want to take with me.

The Future...

After this, I will need a month or two to adjust to the new place and expenses before venturing out. I will be making at least weekly trips to Oslo for various things, I will also be looking towards taking a much needed holiday. Where? Probably visit my friend Casey in Newcastle, outside of that I have no plans. Who knows maybe we won't get on in person and I'll be free to roam around the country provided I can get good deals on transportation. As far as visiting any scenes, I am not sure yet if I am ready. But ready or not...

The reason I have chosen to move so abruptly is because it was killing me living here in the south of Norway with no friends, no car, yada yada yada you've heard that before. But it's also closer to the Hospital, just about an hour away instead of nearly 5. There is a train in the summer that goes every hour, the rest of the year it's ever half-hour. So, suddenly, I'm much more flexible. I'm 20 minutes from the airport, and really looking forward to it!

Much love,

Rachel Maxwell