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Rachel Maxwell 's Entries

23 blogs
  • 19 Jul 2018
    I'm moving! After 3 years of living here, I've had enough.  Late last month I had an appointment at the Norwegian Mental Health Department for being treated for Transsexualism. The psych is a really nice fellow. His name is Yngve (pronounced Ingve). We had a pretty good chat. Towards the end of it, he asked me what my plans were with my therapist because some things came up that needed to be discussed. He also told me that he didn't think I would move anytime soon. After all, I have been saying for at least the past 2 years, I might be moving soon. Now, some people might just ignore this post, and I'm okay with that. I have been saying a lot of things over the years. About my loneliness, about being isolated, basically stuck. Anyway, I took what this shrink said and said Fuck it, I will move. So at the beginning in July, I started seriously looking for a new flat. I found one, and it was quite a ways away. Somewhat north of Oslo by about 45 km. I looked at the pictures and thought, I want this. It's summer, probably few interested parties, so I asked for a viewing. Keep in mind I live near Kristiansand. It takes four and a half hours to get to Oslo either via coach or train. It also costs money. But I had decided I had to take the chance. So, I went up to the viewing and used the weekend staying at my ex-wifes in Oslo. The actual renters were on holiday in the mountains, but I got to meet the current rentee and see the place. It was really nice. Less than 5 minutes walk away from the train station, the local supermarket, and about 10 minutes walk to the Shopping Centre. The guy said that there was one other viewing the coming Friday, but he wasn't sure he wanted to be around for that, and asked if I really wanted it. Both Maria and I said, yes, definitely, You don't need to be here for that. And with that I went home with a bit of trepidation. As soon as I got home, I rang my landlord to give him my notice. He sort of expected this phone call, but I could tell he wasn't entirely pleased even though I have been a very good renter. Perhaps not the tidiest of persons, but certainly have had no complaints against me. I don't play loud music, I don't smoke or make much noise. I keep to myself. I have cats. The Problem with Cats... They aren't allowed in the new place. I am trying to get help in finding them new homes. I guess to some 4 sounds like a lot of cats. It isn't though. It's a good number. But they are well-adjusted to being around other cats. I hope to write that they all have new homes before I move.   Continuing... I was asked if I could come for a signing and deposit on Sunday and Monday, to which I said yes. So, I once again took a journey on the coach to Oslo, and then to Kløfta to sign the contract and get the keys. There was a surprise when they wanted half a months rent, but I managed it. Barely. I will spare you all the details. I also managed to secure the deposit when I got home via Internet Banking, which was nice. Now, I'm focused on getting ready for the move. Hiring a moving agency, changing addresses, setting up mail forwarding, and starting to pack. Fortunately, I don't have all that many things that I want to take with me. The Future... After this, I will need a month or two to adjust to the new place and expenses before venturing out. I will be making at least weekly trips to Oslo for various things, I will also be looking towards taking a much needed holiday. Where? Probably visit my friend Casey in Newcastle, outside of that I have no plans. Who knows maybe we won't get on in person and I'll be free to roam around the country provided I can get good deals on transportation. As far as visiting any scenes, I am not sure yet if I am ready. But ready or not... The reason I have chosen to move so abruptly is because it was killing me living here in the south of Norway with no friends, no car, yada yada yada you've heard that before. But it's also closer to the Hospital, just about an hour away instead of nearly 5. There is a train in the summer that goes every hour, the rest of the year it's ever half-hour. So, suddenly, I'm much more flexible. I'm 20 minutes from the airport, and really looking forward to it! Much love, Rachel Maxwell
    169 Posted by Rachel Maxwell
  • I'm moving! After 3 years of living here, I've had enough.  Late last month I had an appointment at the Norwegian Mental Health Department for being treated for Transsexualism. The psych is a really nice fellow. His name is Yngve (pronounced Ingve). We had a pretty good chat. Towards the end of it, he asked me what my plans were with my therapist because some things came up that needed to be discussed. He also told me that he didn't think I would move anytime soon. After all, I have been saying for at least the past 2 years, I might be moving soon. Now, some people might just ignore this post, and I'm okay with that. I have been saying a lot of things over the years. About my loneliness, about being isolated, basically stuck. Anyway, I took what this shrink said and said Fuck it, I will move. So at the beginning in July, I started seriously looking for a new flat. I found one, and it was quite a ways away. Somewhat north of Oslo by about 45 km. I looked at the pictures and thought, I want this. It's summer, probably few interested parties, so I asked for a viewing. Keep in mind I live near Kristiansand. It takes four and a half hours to get to Oslo either via coach or train. It also costs money. But I had decided I had to take the chance. So, I went up to the viewing and used the weekend staying at my ex-wifes in Oslo. The actual renters were on holiday in the mountains, but I got to meet the current rentee and see the place. It was really nice. Less than 5 minutes walk away from the train station, the local supermarket, and about 10 minutes walk to the Shopping Centre. The guy said that there was one other viewing the coming Friday, but he wasn't sure he wanted to be around for that, and asked if I really wanted it. Both Maria and I said, yes, definitely, You don't need to be here for that. And with that I went home with a bit of trepidation. As soon as I got home, I rang my landlord to give him my notice. He sort of expected this phone call, but I could tell he wasn't entirely pleased even though I have been a very good renter. Perhaps not the tidiest of persons, but certainly have had no complaints against me. I don't play loud music, I don't smoke or make much noise. I keep to myself. I have cats. The Problem with Cats... They aren't allowed in the new place. I am trying to get help in finding them new homes. I guess to some 4 sounds like a lot of cats. It isn't though. It's a good number. But they are well-adjusted to being around other cats. I hope to write that they all have new homes before I move.   Continuing... I was asked if I could come for a signing and deposit on Sunday and Monday, to which I said yes. So, I once again took a journey on the coach to Oslo, and then to Kløfta to sign the contract and get the keys. There was a surprise when they wanted half a months rent, but I managed it. Barely. I will spare you all the details. I also managed to secure the deposit when I got home via Internet Banking, which was nice. Now, I'm focused on getting ready for the move. Hiring a moving agency, changing addresses, setting up mail forwarding, and starting to pack. Fortunately, I don't have all that many things that I want to take with me. The Future... After this, I will need a month or two to adjust to the new place and expenses before venturing out. I will be making at least weekly trips to Oslo for various things, I will also be looking towards taking a much needed holiday. Where? Probably visit my friend Casey in Newcastle, outside of that I have no plans. Who knows maybe we won't get on in person and I'll be free to roam around the country provided I can get good deals on transportation. As far as visiting any scenes, I am not sure yet if I am ready. But ready or not... The reason I have chosen to move so abruptly is because it was killing me living here in the south of Norway with no friends, no car, yada yada yada you've heard that before. But it's also closer to the Hospital, just about an hour away instead of nearly 5. There is a train in the summer that goes every hour, the rest of the year it's ever half-hour. So, suddenly, I'm much more flexible. I'm 20 minutes from the airport, and really looking forward to it! Much love, Rachel Maxwell
    Jul 19, 2018 169
  • 22 Nov 2017
    So over the past 4 years now, (oh my goodness has it really been that long??) I have been telling various members of this site that I planned on going to the UK. Getting there isn't the problem. I just didn't have anyone to mind my cats. Some people might think that it is okay to leave animals on their own, but with cats I feel it's different. However, pending advice from my gp on matters of my right hand and whether or not I have tendinitis, I have begun to sketch out some rough plans for visiting the UK in February. While perhaps not the best time of the year, it is the earliest I can manage. I see my GP in two weeks and I also have my first appointment of the year at the GIC in Oslo. I think that should go well. I have plans to see a friend of mine in Newcastle, but that isn't to say I couldn't travel other places. Bear in mind that I might only manage a 7-10 day trip. The person who will watch my place isn't keen on staying more than a week and I do not know the neighbours. Bit ashamed at the state of my flat at the moment to even invite them in. They have two girls who seem to like my cats anyway, so that is a possibility. So I know Newcastle and that area for sure. Maybe go to Blackpool for the Retro Expo and meet Kim Justice. Haven't decided yet. Send me a private inbox message and we can see if we could work something out? If you don't have a profile picture or something I'm somewhat less keen on meeting. I may be a bit overweight, but I'm working on it. Someone who wants a coffee or whatever and see where it goes?
    348 Posted by Rachel Maxwell
  • So over the past 4 years now, (oh my goodness has it really been that long??) I have been telling various members of this site that I planned on going to the UK. Getting there isn't the problem. I just didn't have anyone to mind my cats. Some people might think that it is okay to leave animals on their own, but with cats I feel it's different. However, pending advice from my gp on matters of my right hand and whether or not I have tendinitis, I have begun to sketch out some rough plans for visiting the UK in February. While perhaps not the best time of the year, it is the earliest I can manage. I see my GP in two weeks and I also have my first appointment of the year at the GIC in Oslo. I think that should go well. I have plans to see a friend of mine in Newcastle, but that isn't to say I couldn't travel other places. Bear in mind that I might only manage a 7-10 day trip. The person who will watch my place isn't keen on staying more than a week and I do not know the neighbours. Bit ashamed at the state of my flat at the moment to even invite them in. They have two girls who seem to like my cats anyway, so that is a possibility. So I know Newcastle and that area for sure. Maybe go to Blackpool for the Retro Expo and meet Kim Justice. Haven't decided yet. Send me a private inbox message and we can see if we could work something out? If you don't have a profile picture or something I'm somewhat less keen on meeting. I may be a bit overweight, but I'm working on it. Someone who wants a coffee or whatever and see where it goes?
    Nov 22, 2017 348
  • 30 Sep 2017
    Oh where do I begin? It's been a few months since I wrote anything last. Haven't really been up to it. Said briefly, I am lonely and isolated and the situation isn't changing fast enough.  I recently wrote an entry about a cat of mine that I had to put to down because she was hit by a car Monday of last week. This isn't about that. It is however more of my moaning about life as it is at present. Please note, I try to stay upbeat, but it isn't easy. Honestly, if it were not for my cats I would have caved-in long ago (about almost 3 years now). They really help me to keep up my spirits. Sadly, I live in Southern Norway still. I have made approximately 0 friends since I moved here. I did almost lose one friend back in august. She sort of bought the farm and almost killed herself in a moment of paranoid delusional thinking. Fortunately, she says that the she will be fine, but she has some scars from the burns on her back, legs, and arms. It's not been the best of years to be honest.  I am honestly working on getting out of here. The latest plan is to try to get a drivers license, but there are many complications with that. However, the freedom it would bring would be a huge relief. I would be able to drive just about anywhere. Who knows since I live so close to Kristiansand and there is a ferry to Denmark, maybe I drive to visit some people in the UK. It isn't as if I do not know how to drive. I am just a bit out of practice. It is like riding a bicycle though. You never forget. I just need to pass the stupid theory exam and then take two or three course, one is ice driving, the other is safety, and i think maybe a third if I want to be able to haul a trailer the so-called B96 licence. I would then be able to move somewhere else. Of course, I do not know where I would move to. Transition is a funny and sad thing to do on your own. Partly because I cannot impress myself, thus I do not dress to impress. I just wear what I feel is good enough to get the job done. I have been accused of dressing androgynous by both my doctor, rikshospitalet, and therapist.  Oh did I mention yet that I have been referred back to therapy? Because apparently, I need a case handler. Norway is so unbelievably terrified about false positives that they go to great lengths to deny people. I am not the only one in this country to encounter this. Just recently, I was reading a thread on /r/transgender about Norway being such a horrible country to transition in. The gatekeepers are horrid. Last time it went tits up and I yelled in exasperation as I was confused for another patient. Let the following situation sit with you for a moment. I was sitting there, expecting to finally hear those "okay, you're in" words. What I got instead was "tell me about your childhood" and I said, no this is crap. I've been over this 6 times before it's in my file. I was then asked about self-harm, to which I was genuinely confused. I don't self-harm I said. What about when you checked yourself into Lier Hospital for that, she said matter-of-factly. I was like what are you talking about woman!? I did no such thing. Then she asks me if I have a history of amnesia or forgetting things. Seriously. Oh, but it didn't stop there, she then asks about how I told them last time that I thought I might be HIV Positive. I threw my hands up in exasperation and said I was going. I said, no, I told them that my brother was HIV positive, but taking medications to keep it suppressed. I never said I had. "I'll call the hospital when we are done to confirm," was all she said. So, I left rather gutted. As things turn out, they had "accidentally" mixed some other trans patients records in with mine. If I was a lesser person, I would have said this to the Newspaper, but I know better than that. I do not want to go to the papers to tell them that some other transwoman patient has these problems. Good grief, the poor woman doesn't need to read about that in the papers! Other things happening this year well, I became a mother to 4 young kittens. Three girls and one Boy. They are all great. Teenagers now. So, I now have 6 cats. One of them I actually own, but I just cannot get rid of the others. Well, I could if I really had to. They are all sweet and like humans. Living in the rural countryside hasn't helped anything. At least there is the bus.  Also, today is my birthday, so I thought I would write about how things are. Folks, I live in Norways Bible Belt. I live less than 150 meters from a church and Christian Meeting Hall. I only moved here because of a friend, who then later moved to the Netherlands and set herself alight. I have an appointment in two weeks time at the Rikshospitalet. I wonder what sort of nonsense they will try to come up with this time? I really wish that I could say that I went out with Caroline, Karoline, Debra, Casey, or any number of you fine ladies this weekend so I would have something to talk about. I have been working on a few projects with my ex-wife, well, she does 90% of the actual work. I just seem to sit here and twiddle my thumbs. Electronics things. The latest idea is a robotic arm and our own 3-axis pcb engraver/milling machine. I won't go on about that. I did buy some new make up some YSL eyeliner and some M.A.C. Matte Lipsticks. Really, I need to get more proper stuff and learn how to properly do make up. As for clothes. I am a coward when it comes to shopping for things except for food and electronics and general stuff. I freeze the second I get near a clothing store! Maybe in time I will. For now, I buy things on the internet. Well, ta ta for now! Hugs and Kisses, Rachel xxx
    256 Posted by Rachel Maxwell
  • Oh where do I begin? It's been a few months since I wrote anything last. Haven't really been up to it. Said briefly, I am lonely and isolated and the situation isn't changing fast enough.  I recently wrote an entry about a cat of mine that I had to put to down because she was hit by a car Monday of last week. This isn't about that. It is however more of my moaning about life as it is at present. Please note, I try to stay upbeat, but it isn't easy. Honestly, if it were not for my cats I would have caved-in long ago (about almost 3 years now). They really help me to keep up my spirits. Sadly, I live in Southern Norway still. I have made approximately 0 friends since I moved here. I did almost lose one friend back in august. She sort of bought the farm and almost killed herself in a moment of paranoid delusional thinking. Fortunately, she says that the she will be fine, but she has some scars from the burns on her back, legs, and arms. It's not been the best of years to be honest.  I am honestly working on getting out of here. The latest plan is to try to get a drivers license, but there are many complications with that. However, the freedom it would bring would be a huge relief. I would be able to drive just about anywhere. Who knows since I live so close to Kristiansand and there is a ferry to Denmark, maybe I drive to visit some people in the UK. It isn't as if I do not know how to drive. I am just a bit out of practice. It is like riding a bicycle though. You never forget. I just need to pass the stupid theory exam and then take two or three course, one is ice driving, the other is safety, and i think maybe a third if I want to be able to haul a trailer the so-called B96 licence. I would then be able to move somewhere else. Of course, I do not know where I would move to. Transition is a funny and sad thing to do on your own. Partly because I cannot impress myself, thus I do not dress to impress. I just wear what I feel is good enough to get the job done. I have been accused of dressing androgynous by both my doctor, rikshospitalet, and therapist.  Oh did I mention yet that I have been referred back to therapy? Because apparently, I need a case handler. Norway is so unbelievably terrified about false positives that they go to great lengths to deny people. I am not the only one in this country to encounter this. Just recently, I was reading a thread on /r/transgender about Norway being such a horrible country to transition in. The gatekeepers are horrid. Last time it went tits up and I yelled in exasperation as I was confused for another patient. Let the following situation sit with you for a moment. I was sitting there, expecting to finally hear those "okay, you're in" words. What I got instead was "tell me about your childhood" and I said, no this is crap. I've been over this 6 times before it's in my file. I was then asked about self-harm, to which I was genuinely confused. I don't self-harm I said. What about when you checked yourself into Lier Hospital for that, she said matter-of-factly. I was like what are you talking about woman!? I did no such thing. Then she asks me if I have a history of amnesia or forgetting things. Seriously. Oh, but it didn't stop there, she then asks about how I told them last time that I thought I might be HIV Positive. I threw my hands up in exasperation and said I was going. I said, no, I told them that my brother was HIV positive, but taking medications to keep it suppressed. I never said I had. "I'll call the hospital when we are done to confirm," was all she said. So, I left rather gutted. As things turn out, they had "accidentally" mixed some other trans patients records in with mine. If I was a lesser person, I would have said this to the Newspaper, but I know better than that. I do not want to go to the papers to tell them that some other transwoman patient has these problems. Good grief, the poor woman doesn't need to read about that in the papers! Other things happening this year well, I became a mother to 4 young kittens. Three girls and one Boy. They are all great. Teenagers now. So, I now have 6 cats. One of them I actually own, but I just cannot get rid of the others. Well, I could if I really had to. They are all sweet and like humans. Living in the rural countryside hasn't helped anything. At least there is the bus.  Also, today is my birthday, so I thought I would write about how things are. Folks, I live in Norways Bible Belt. I live less than 150 meters from a church and Christian Meeting Hall. I only moved here because of a friend, who then later moved to the Netherlands and set herself alight. I have an appointment in two weeks time at the Rikshospitalet. I wonder what sort of nonsense they will try to come up with this time? I really wish that I could say that I went out with Caroline, Karoline, Debra, Casey, or any number of you fine ladies this weekend so I would have something to talk about. I have been working on a few projects with my ex-wife, well, she does 90% of the actual work. I just seem to sit here and twiddle my thumbs. Electronics things. The latest idea is a robotic arm and our own 3-axis pcb engraver/milling machine. I won't go on about that. I did buy some new make up some YSL eyeliner and some M.A.C. Matte Lipsticks. Really, I need to get more proper stuff and learn how to properly do make up. As for clothes. I am a coward when it comes to shopping for things except for food and electronics and general stuff. I freeze the second I get near a clothing store! Maybe in time I will. For now, I buy things on the internet. Well, ta ta for now! Hugs and Kisses, Rachel xxx
    Sep 30, 2017 256
  • 24 Dec 2015
    Most of us on this site do try to our best to give a true depiction of ourselves. But others, you can't be so sure. I know that it isn't against site policy that people cannot make fake profiles or use images that should represent themselves, but in reality don't. It just irks me to get contacted by people who claim to represent someone in photos, but in reality they are just using photos easily found on the web. I am not going to name any profiles here. There are a number here though that through the simplest of Google Reverse Image searches, you can find links to other profiles. Now I'm not saying that the person doesn't own these files, but it's highly suspicious when you look up these images, and you find them to be linked to various unrelated websites on the internet. Usually it is just one or two images that have been cobbled together from varying websites. Why this is allowed, I don't know. It's dishonest. It's a sad trend these Catfish profiles. I initially started to check reverse images after I was chatting to someone who I thought was genuinely sincere. Until, I got some rather professional looking photos. Now, I'm not talking about glamour photos, but photos supposedly of a more candid nature. What drew my initial suspicion was that while the persons had similar traits and features, they didn't look exactly the same. There were minor differences in breast size, leg shape, bum size, hair, and in some even face size and shape. Now one could say that it was just the difference of someone changing over time. But curiosity got the better of me and I did what any sensible person would do. I did a reverse image search. The results I got back from one particular "set" of "private" photos actually turned out to exist on a myriad of other websites. Curious, I thought, but not suspicious, after all, someone as good looking as her would no doubt have a few leaks. So I took another example photo, again, it showed up in greater collections on the web. I was a bit concerned when subsequent searches showed that many of the photos I had received were indeed not of the same person, nor were they that secret. I wasn't sure what to do. I was a bit angry, but how could I be angry. I had no concrete proof. So, I asked for her to take a photo of her touching her ear with her pinky. "Okay," they said, and I waited. And I waited. And I waited. After two weeks, I was quite frustrated. How bloody difficult was it to take such a simple photo. In my mind though, I already had the answer. They were probably searching, scouring the internet looking for such a photo with someone who looked similar to the persons in the other pictures. Finally, I asked them to come clean. They feigned ignorance. I was like why are all these photos found on all these sites, and I sent over the links in emails and in the chat. At first she was like, oh, it's just coincidence. Oh, I had a gf who was a good Mistress and leaked. And then I said, you claim to be lesbian, and posted photos of one of the same "sets" she had sent before. They tried to claim that it was all fun and games. I had had it. I wasn't angry as much as I was saddened. Why would someone put others through this bullshit. I found out that I wasn't alone in this. I managed to contact some others whom they had contacted. Once I started sharing what I had found, they too had their own suspicions confirmed. The burning question in my mind is why do this? It's the Internet. I get that. I totally understand that it's a fun place. I understand for some people it's all just a big laugh a tool used for lonely sods to wind people up. Thing is. I want to believe people. If you post photos that you claim to be you, but aren't, I don't really want anything to do with you. It's the dishonesty and the deceit and also the contempt you have for others. I could totally accept someone saying, "These aren't photos of me, but let's role play it is me." I *could do* that. But I cannot trust someone who falsely represents themself. What is the point? Maybe I should make a poll asking how others feel about this. No, I'm not talking about people who don't post photos of your faces. There is a bit of a difference between that and posting photos that exist elsewhere on the web. I can respect other peoples wish for privacy and to be discreet. I apologise for this rant, I hope my next entry will just be a yearly re-cap. I've had a lot of ups and downs, but not the "fun" kind. Lots of Love, Rachel P.S. Happy XMas!
    601 Posted by Rachel Maxwell
  • Most of us on this site do try to our best to give a true depiction of ourselves. But others, you can't be so sure. I know that it isn't against site policy that people cannot make fake profiles or use images that should represent themselves, but in reality don't. It just irks me to get contacted by people who claim to represent someone in photos, but in reality they are just using photos easily found on the web. I am not going to name any profiles here. There are a number here though that through the simplest of Google Reverse Image searches, you can find links to other profiles. Now I'm not saying that the person doesn't own these files, but it's highly suspicious when you look up these images, and you find them to be linked to various unrelated websites on the internet. Usually it is just one or two images that have been cobbled together from varying websites. Why this is allowed, I don't know. It's dishonest. It's a sad trend these Catfish profiles. I initially started to check reverse images after I was chatting to someone who I thought was genuinely sincere. Until, I got some rather professional looking photos. Now, I'm not talking about glamour photos, but photos supposedly of a more candid nature. What drew my initial suspicion was that while the persons had similar traits and features, they didn't look exactly the same. There were minor differences in breast size, leg shape, bum size, hair, and in some even face size and shape. Now one could say that it was just the difference of someone changing over time. But curiosity got the better of me and I did what any sensible person would do. I did a reverse image search. The results I got back from one particular "set" of "private" photos actually turned out to exist on a myriad of other websites. Curious, I thought, but not suspicious, after all, someone as good looking as her would no doubt have a few leaks. So I took another example photo, again, it showed up in greater collections on the web. I was a bit concerned when subsequent searches showed that many of the photos I had received were indeed not of the same person, nor were they that secret. I wasn't sure what to do. I was a bit angry, but how could I be angry. I had no concrete proof. So, I asked for her to take a photo of her touching her ear with her pinky. "Okay," they said, and I waited. And I waited. And I waited. After two weeks, I was quite frustrated. How bloody difficult was it to take such a simple photo. In my mind though, I already had the answer. They were probably searching, scouring the internet looking for such a photo with someone who looked similar to the persons in the other pictures. Finally, I asked them to come clean. They feigned ignorance. I was like why are all these photos found on all these sites, and I sent over the links in emails and in the chat. At first she was like, oh, it's just coincidence. Oh, I had a gf who was a good Mistress and leaked. And then I said, you claim to be lesbian, and posted photos of one of the same "sets" she had sent before. They tried to claim that it was all fun and games. I had had it. I wasn't angry as much as I was saddened. Why would someone put others through this bullshit. I found out that I wasn't alone in this. I managed to contact some others whom they had contacted. Once I started sharing what I had found, they too had their own suspicions confirmed. The burning question in my mind is why do this? It's the Internet. I get that. I totally understand that it's a fun place. I understand for some people it's all just a big laugh a tool used for lonely sods to wind people up. Thing is. I want to believe people. If you post photos that you claim to be you, but aren't, I don't really want anything to do with you. It's the dishonesty and the deceit and also the contempt you have for others. I could totally accept someone saying, "These aren't photos of me, but let's role play it is me." I *could do* that. But I cannot trust someone who falsely represents themself. What is the point? Maybe I should make a poll asking how others feel about this. No, I'm not talking about people who don't post photos of your faces. There is a bit of a difference between that and posting photos that exist elsewhere on the web. I can respect other peoples wish for privacy and to be discreet. I apologise for this rant, I hope my next entry will just be a yearly re-cap. I've had a lot of ups and downs, but not the "fun" kind. Lots of Love, Rachel P.S. Happy XMas!
    Dec 24, 2015 601
  • 19 Jul 2015
    I am a fan of Mono Fonts. Anyway. On Saturday, I received an SMS on my phone about an upcoming appointment on the 21st of July at 9 am. I didn't know that I was scheduled for any such appointment, so when I went to fetch the post, there was the letter. It was dated the 17th. Which was the day before. I guess that they didn't have anything else to do, looked at their summer calendar and someone had time to see me. It is unexpected, but still rather good news. Unfortunately, my new kitty is going to have to be alone for about 2 nights, but I will leave her with plenty of food and fresh water. This will be my third time going to the clinic. Am a bit excited to find out what they have to say, Really, I think it should be more often than just a few sessions a year, but whatever. It feels like I don't actually get to talk to them about how i feel about it. I did get my new US Passport though with my name change. It still has that M though on it. I guess, it is what it is. Tomorrow afternoon I will be taking the train to Oslo, and staying for two nights and departing again on Wednesday morning. Just so I can be back here by 1700. :D Will post the results of that then. Unfortunately, I do not have a laptop and I do not have a tablet with a large screen, so I won't really be active that much. Just maybe contact me on facebook or something like this. You're all amazing ladies :)! Biggest Hugs and Sweetest kisses, Rachel
    613 Posted by Rachel Maxwell
  • I am a fan of Mono Fonts. Anyway. On Saturday, I received an SMS on my phone about an upcoming appointment on the 21st of July at 9 am. I didn't know that I was scheduled for any such appointment, so when I went to fetch the post, there was the letter. It was dated the 17th. Which was the day before. I guess that they didn't have anything else to do, looked at their summer calendar and someone had time to see me. It is unexpected, but still rather good news. Unfortunately, my new kitty is going to have to be alone for about 2 nights, but I will leave her with plenty of food and fresh water. This will be my third time going to the clinic. Am a bit excited to find out what they have to say, Really, I think it should be more often than just a few sessions a year, but whatever. It feels like I don't actually get to talk to them about how i feel about it. I did get my new US Passport though with my name change. It still has that M though on it. I guess, it is what it is. Tomorrow afternoon I will be taking the train to Oslo, and staying for two nights and departing again on Wednesday morning. Just so I can be back here by 1700. :D Will post the results of that then. Unfortunately, I do not have a laptop and I do not have a tablet with a large screen, so I won't really be active that much. Just maybe contact me on facebook or something like this. You're all amazing ladies :)! Biggest Hugs and Sweetest kisses, Rachel
    Jul 19, 2015 613
  • 16 Jun 2015
    Dear Reader,I changed my name back in November of 2014, which happens to be last year. I have been living with this name since then. Well, at least in Norway. It wasn't until today that I officially sent in for my new US passport. Hopefully, they will accept the new name. I sent them an official and notarised document that this is my identity in Norway. Of course, it sucks to see "Sex: MALE" but what can you do? My gender won't be recognised in Norway until I have SRS/GRS (whatever term you prefer). Otherwise, despite how I may look or speak, I will be male to the country. It's dumb and it is backwards. What is a bit more funny, is how I'm supposed to handle that when it comes to it. Hopefully, by then I will have Norwegian citizenship, and they will give me that nice F (actually the Norwegian one might have a K for Kvinne). But that isn't here nor there.I have been putting off doing this for a while. I should have done it back in March or April. However, I was just sort of in pause mode. I was stressing too much about it. I needed to get my US Passport changed to have Rachel  on it. Having a legal name in one country, isn't always the same as the one in your passport. But I think there was more to it than that. Deep down, I was holding off on doing this. but I knew why.Was it because I doubted that I wanted to transition? Well, partially yes. Some people might think that once you decide to do something you have to stick to it. I was actually trying to think of a way out of all of this just last week. It isn't because I want to do this. I just don't see that I have much of a choice. But I still felt like maybe just maybe I am wrong about all of this and that it is only just in my head.The funny thing is, that is exactly where it is. It's how I identify myself with the world. Now, I know that many people are trained by society to believe that boys and girls have to act a certain way and that men and women also have to behave a certain way. Girls are supposed to like dolls and clothes, shoes and make up, and generally that sort of thing. Boys are supposed to like cars and muscles, figurines (dolls) and sports. I can't say I ever really cared for dolls or clothes or shoes or make up. But neither did I care for the things "boys" likes. I played with the things that I was supposed to because I was lead to believe that is how things had to be. But it's one of those things, where it is easy to project my views today onto the way I felt or thought when I was little.It was the fear of changing my Legal US name that caused me difficulties. I wonder if it isn't going to bite me. You see, I receive a pension from the US Government. In my old name. Since this was the name on my passport, It had to be this way. This means that when I contact the US Embassy to ask them to change my name, it might take up to several months before they do that. Of course, there is the bank in the US that also might give me problems. Since there is no way I can show up in person to do that. Unless someone wants to loan me about $1500 USD? Does anyone fancy a trip and a very short stay in Newark, NJ or New York City, NY? I did it though. Despite any of the possible problems that I might encounter. In the worst case, I have to keep that old name as an Alias. AKA old name. Fine by me, I suppose. At least until I can change it in person. I need to just ask someone at the bank, in an email. Explain the situation. Maybe they will accept a copy of my passport as proof. Anyway. In about 5 weeks I should hear something back. I hope it goes well. I had to run to the Tax Office to ask if they would sign a document that I translated. They told me "No". However, the man was helpful enough to tell me that they had a form called a "Proof of Identity". So I took that and headed on over to the Courthouse about 10 minutes walk away, and got it notarised. Then I posted all that I had. Application, Forms, Bankremissé, and self-addressed stamped envelope. Sorry for the length of this. Some people know how to use fewer words to write something, as for myself, I need about a football pitch length of paper to write it down. Brevity is never my strong point. I will keep everyone updated of course. Maybe this will be of help to someone else who lives overseas. Of course the US is a bit different with about a thousand million forms to sign and go through were as here, I didn't even have to show any ID. Some people might be bothered by that. I'm not. Why someone would claim to be me, I have no idea.Thank you dear reader for letting me express my thoughts. Externalise things. Also thanks to the Transtastic team for providing such a great platform for allowing this as well! Thanks to my friends. If I jump around a bit, it is just habitual. My disorganised mind or something.Love you all,Rachel
    550 Posted by Rachel Maxwell
  • Dear Reader,I changed my name back in November of 2014, which happens to be last year. I have been living with this name since then. Well, at least in Norway. It wasn't until today that I officially sent in for my new US passport. Hopefully, they will accept the new name. I sent them an official and notarised document that this is my identity in Norway. Of course, it sucks to see "Sex: MALE" but what can you do? My gender won't be recognised in Norway until I have SRS/GRS (whatever term you prefer). Otherwise, despite how I may look or speak, I will be male to the country. It's dumb and it is backwards. What is a bit more funny, is how I'm supposed to handle that when it comes to it. Hopefully, by then I will have Norwegian citizenship, and they will give me that nice F (actually the Norwegian one might have a K for Kvinne). But that isn't here nor there.I have been putting off doing this for a while. I should have done it back in March or April. However, I was just sort of in pause mode. I was stressing too much about it. I needed to get my US Passport changed to have Rachel  on it. Having a legal name in one country, isn't always the same as the one in your passport. But I think there was more to it than that. Deep down, I was holding off on doing this. but I knew why.Was it because I doubted that I wanted to transition? Well, partially yes. Some people might think that once you decide to do something you have to stick to it. I was actually trying to think of a way out of all of this just last week. It isn't because I want to do this. I just don't see that I have much of a choice. But I still felt like maybe just maybe I am wrong about all of this and that it is only just in my head.The funny thing is, that is exactly where it is. It's how I identify myself with the world. Now, I know that many people are trained by society to believe that boys and girls have to act a certain way and that men and women also have to behave a certain way. Girls are supposed to like dolls and clothes, shoes and make up, and generally that sort of thing. Boys are supposed to like cars and muscles, figurines (dolls) and sports. I can't say I ever really cared for dolls or clothes or shoes or make up. But neither did I care for the things "boys" likes. I played with the things that I was supposed to because I was lead to believe that is how things had to be. But it's one of those things, where it is easy to project my views today onto the way I felt or thought when I was little.It was the fear of changing my Legal US name that caused me difficulties. I wonder if it isn't going to bite me. You see, I receive a pension from the US Government. In my old name. Since this was the name on my passport, It had to be this way. This means that when I contact the US Embassy to ask them to change my name, it might take up to several months before they do that. Of course, there is the bank in the US that also might give me problems. Since there is no way I can show up in person to do that. Unless someone wants to loan me about $1500 USD? Does anyone fancy a trip and a very short stay in Newark, NJ or New York City, NY? I did it though. Despite any of the possible problems that I might encounter. In the worst case, I have to keep that old name as an Alias. AKA old name. Fine by me, I suppose. At least until I can change it in person. I need to just ask someone at the bank, in an email. Explain the situation. Maybe they will accept a copy of my passport as proof. Anyway. In about 5 weeks I should hear something back. I hope it goes well. I had to run to the Tax Office to ask if they would sign a document that I translated. They told me "No". However, the man was helpful enough to tell me that they had a form called a "Proof of Identity". So I took that and headed on over to the Courthouse about 10 minutes walk away, and got it notarised. Then I posted all that I had. Application, Forms, Bankremissé, and self-addressed stamped envelope. Sorry for the length of this. Some people know how to use fewer words to write something, as for myself, I need about a football pitch length of paper to write it down. Brevity is never my strong point. I will keep everyone updated of course. Maybe this will be of help to someone else who lives overseas. Of course the US is a bit different with about a thousand million forms to sign and go through were as here, I didn't even have to show any ID. Some people might be bothered by that. I'm not. Why someone would claim to be me, I have no idea.Thank you dear reader for letting me express my thoughts. Externalise things. Also thanks to the Transtastic team for providing such a great platform for allowing this as well! Thanks to my friends. If I jump around a bit, it is just habitual. My disorganised mind or something.Love you all,Rachel
    Jun 16, 2015 550
  • 26 May 2015
    Forgive me sisters, for it has been several months since I last wrote something. Life has been a bit of a mix up for me these past few months. I was forced to return to Norway, and I struggle to find friends where I live. I do not think there are any other transgender persons where I live. Really, I want to be around people who understand me.I have been seen by the GID clinic, twice now. The first time was last August and it went horribly. I decided that I needed to move to Finland in order to live with some other transwomen as well as try to get help. I did get some help in the form of self-medicating on HRT. Unfortunately, despite having an indefinitely leave of stay status in Norway it doesn't apply in Finland, so I had to move back in January. It was not a simple thing to do! It was financially disastrous. To top it off my father also died in February and I was unable to attend either his funeral or visit with my relatives.I guess, it's not the worst though. I am slowly recovering. My second visit with the GID Clinic was last month and it went surprisingly well. I expect to receive a new letter with an appointment for September (Norwegians tend to love their summer holidays). I told them that I was taking HRT and they told me that they would prefer I stopped, but wouldn't stop me. I'm nearly out of HRT anyway. What I need though is both Anti-Androgens and HRT. HRT is giving me breasts, but it isn't reducing the amount of hair. I wish that I enjoyed shopping for clothes as much as many of you seem to do. People tell me, just pick things that you like. Except the things that I like tend to be about a size or three too small. I'm about a size 38/40 or 16/18 depending on how you look at it. Most of the fashion in these sizes leaves a little to be desired. Especially when I just want cute jeans and tee-shirts. I'm not really interested in the frilly things. Just regular clothes. Sadly, most of the styles in Norway are made for a thinner set of people. Also, I am afraid of going out and shopping alone. It isn't buying things or wearing the things that terrifies me, it is the people themselves. Not because I believe them all to be transphobes or that they are sniggering behind my back or in my face, but just a general fear of social situations. Not knowing anyone in Norway is a real drag. As far as what I am doing with other things. I am applying for a new passport with my Norwegian legal name. I just wonder how I am going to get my name changed in a US bank that I do not have physical access to. I had it changed back in November, if you can believe it. I've been Rachel Maxwell for over half a year now. If anyone has any experience with this, please let me know. The only thing I can seem to find from my own bank, is having to show up in PERSON to tender a name change. But I will see what I can do with a passport and the name change form and all this that I have. I need to translate the name change form from Norwegian into English and then have that notarised so that I can apply for my new US Passport. After I get that back, I am going to apply for a Norwegian Dual-Citizenship. That is going to cost a pretty penny, I tell you! Worth it though, I already got my police rapsheet, and surprisingly, there is nothing of note in it. It's just a paper that literally says "Nothing of Interest". So other than being alone in a small village in Southern Norway, I'm doing okay. I wouldn't mind having a visitor or two over. Since I won't be able to travel for a good while. Of course, it is a bit unfortunate, that I don't live in the city of Kristiansand, I live about 35 minutes away by bus. I am only about 26 km from the airport though (Kjevik).I hope that all of you have been well. I have thought about most of you lots, when I have been here. Trying to sort out my life. I haven't been online as much. However, being online can bring the world a bit closer to me, so here I am (again)Feel free to add me as a friend and we can chat sometime! Love Rachel Maxwell
    646 Posted by Rachel Maxwell
  • Forgive me sisters, for it has been several months since I last wrote something. Life has been a bit of a mix up for me these past few months. I was forced to return to Norway, and I struggle to find friends where I live. I do not think there are any other transgender persons where I live. Really, I want to be around people who understand me.I have been seen by the GID clinic, twice now. The first time was last August and it went horribly. I decided that I needed to move to Finland in order to live with some other transwomen as well as try to get help. I did get some help in the form of self-medicating on HRT. Unfortunately, despite having an indefinitely leave of stay status in Norway it doesn't apply in Finland, so I had to move back in January. It was not a simple thing to do! It was financially disastrous. To top it off my father also died in February and I was unable to attend either his funeral or visit with my relatives.I guess, it's not the worst though. I am slowly recovering. My second visit with the GID Clinic was last month and it went surprisingly well. I expect to receive a new letter with an appointment for September (Norwegians tend to love their summer holidays). I told them that I was taking HRT and they told me that they would prefer I stopped, but wouldn't stop me. I'm nearly out of HRT anyway. What I need though is both Anti-Androgens and HRT. HRT is giving me breasts, but it isn't reducing the amount of hair. I wish that I enjoyed shopping for clothes as much as many of you seem to do. People tell me, just pick things that you like. Except the things that I like tend to be about a size or three too small. I'm about a size 38/40 or 16/18 depending on how you look at it. Most of the fashion in these sizes leaves a little to be desired. Especially when I just want cute jeans and tee-shirts. I'm not really interested in the frilly things. Just regular clothes. Sadly, most of the styles in Norway are made for a thinner set of people. Also, I am afraid of going out and shopping alone. It isn't buying things or wearing the things that terrifies me, it is the people themselves. Not because I believe them all to be transphobes or that they are sniggering behind my back or in my face, but just a general fear of social situations. Not knowing anyone in Norway is a real drag. As far as what I am doing with other things. I am applying for a new passport with my Norwegian legal name. I just wonder how I am going to get my name changed in a US bank that I do not have physical access to. I had it changed back in November, if you can believe it. I've been Rachel Maxwell for over half a year now. If anyone has any experience with this, please let me know. The only thing I can seem to find from my own bank, is having to show up in PERSON to tender a name change. But I will see what I can do with a passport and the name change form and all this that I have. I need to translate the name change form from Norwegian into English and then have that notarised so that I can apply for my new US Passport. After I get that back, I am going to apply for a Norwegian Dual-Citizenship. That is going to cost a pretty penny, I tell you! Worth it though, I already got my police rapsheet, and surprisingly, there is nothing of note in it. It's just a paper that literally says "Nothing of Interest". So other than being alone in a small village in Southern Norway, I'm doing okay. I wouldn't mind having a visitor or two over. Since I won't be able to travel for a good while. Of course, it is a bit unfortunate, that I don't live in the city of Kristiansand, I live about 35 minutes away by bus. I am only about 26 km from the airport though (Kjevik).I hope that all of you have been well. I have thought about most of you lots, when I have been here. Trying to sort out my life. I haven't been online as much. However, being online can bring the world a bit closer to me, so here I am (again)Feel free to add me as a friend and we can chat sometime! Love Rachel Maxwell
    May 26, 2015 646
  • 06 Aug 2014
    It's time for another update.  I have only a little news. It is good news. The skin clinic near me finally came back from their summer holidays. Today I managed to ring them and arrange an appointment for next wednesday. The type of appointment? Full facial laser hair removal. Althougth I might see if I can somehow talk them into doing only half the face since I don't have that much hair on my face. Last week I ordered a braun silk-épil 7891, and I retrieved it from the post office this morning. I haven't had a chance to unbox it yet though. I am looking forward to that. I also ordered a corset from China. I hope to receive that in a week or two. A friend of mine has a friend who has a cat which has had kittens. I have asked for two of them. ^_^ A black one and a grey one. They should be weened from their mum in about 2 or 3 weeks. So, I expect my friend to deliver them to me ^_^. I am super excited. Now, I won't be alone anymore. Although sadly, that does leave one kitten from the litter alone. Maybe not so alone as it will be with its mum or go to another home. I don't know what sex they are yet though. It doesn't matter though. My journey towards being a cat lady has begun! I got a new bed and matress and some other things from IKEA. I haven't assembled the other things yet. Something to work on I guess.  Next week I also have my GID Clinic appointment. This happening the day after I get my face hairs scorched out means I will not be wearing make up. Honestly, I haven't been shaving completely. I do have a trimmer though and use that everyday. I just didn't want to dull a bunch of razors needlessly. I was advised to get as "clean" a shave as possible on my face. This is where things start to ramp up. Why the wait? Well, because you want to give yourself that chance of escape. I have heard tales about some people who went to their countries respective gid clinics or hormone therapy and other changes and then later had great regrets. If I had any doubts though those are long gone. I just know that the process is going to be gradual. Once I start having more visible changes, I will no doubt get more into it. Everyone goes through this differently I guess. Am looking forward to it at any rate. Peace be with you all. Love, Rachel  
    950 Posted by Rachel Maxwell
  • It's time for another update.  I have only a little news. It is good news. The skin clinic near me finally came back from their summer holidays. Today I managed to ring them and arrange an appointment for next wednesday. The type of appointment? Full facial laser hair removal. Althougth I might see if I can somehow talk them into doing only half the face since I don't have that much hair on my face. Last week I ordered a braun silk-épil 7891, and I retrieved it from the post office this morning. I haven't had a chance to unbox it yet though. I am looking forward to that. I also ordered a corset from China. I hope to receive that in a week or two. A friend of mine has a friend who has a cat which has had kittens. I have asked for two of them. ^_^ A black one and a grey one. They should be weened from their mum in about 2 or 3 weeks. So, I expect my friend to deliver them to me ^_^. I am super excited. Now, I won't be alone anymore. Although sadly, that does leave one kitten from the litter alone. Maybe not so alone as it will be with its mum or go to another home. I don't know what sex they are yet though. It doesn't matter though. My journey towards being a cat lady has begun! I got a new bed and matress and some other things from IKEA. I haven't assembled the other things yet. Something to work on I guess.  Next week I also have my GID Clinic appointment. This happening the day after I get my face hairs scorched out means I will not be wearing make up. Honestly, I haven't been shaving completely. I do have a trimmer though and use that everyday. I just didn't want to dull a bunch of razors needlessly. I was advised to get as "clean" a shave as possible on my face. This is where things start to ramp up. Why the wait? Well, because you want to give yourself that chance of escape. I have heard tales about some people who went to their countries respective gid clinics or hormone therapy and other changes and then later had great regrets. If I had any doubts though those are long gone. I just know that the process is going to be gradual. Once I start having more visible changes, I will no doubt get more into it. Everyone goes through this differently I guess. Am looking forward to it at any rate. Peace be with you all. Love, Rachel  
    Aug 06, 2014 950
  • 01 Jun 2014
    Here are a few updates to all of you with a keen interest. I haven't been doing very much. Mostly sitting idle. I'm not exactly waiting for things to happen all by themselves. It is more like I am waiting for the pieces to settle into place. What seems like a glacial rate of change now will surely accelerate in the next few months. It's such a shame that I'm in Norway somtimes. Not that things are horrible here. Quite the opposite really. The weather has been stunning and brilliant. It almost feels like summer. With clear blue skies sometimes touched with clouds and a cool breeze, things are just beautiful. Thats not what I mean when I say that is a shame. If anything I love Oslo this time of year. I don't enjoy not having many social opportunities. To say that the TG scene here is abysmal would be an understandment. I'm not saying there isn't anyone nor that there aren't any opportunities for such events. They just don't happen to be the sort of events that I'm particularly interested in. How many geeks do you know? How many of you are into computers? Board Games? Video Games? Movies? Documentaries? :) My problem is that I just usually don't like going out to loud or noisy places. I don't really enjoy alcohol all that much, but I do like cider. Shame I have diabetes and cannot enjoy it that often. Maybe I'm just crazy for liking nights in. Since it is summer, I have put on a dress, but it reminds me why I don't like then if they aren't long. I don't care much for the scars on my right leg. They certainly detract from my femininity. I must say though it is a large size, and it fits well enough. It isn't too tight. I would take a picture, but really who wants to see that? I haven't done any make up. I still haven't plucked up the same courage as some of you; to go shopping by myself. Heck, I haven't even gone with a friend. I start off determined to buy something. Start browsing. Realise that other women are looking at me. Deciding that I don't really like anything at the store anyway, and hastily beat a retreat. Many of these things I see, I don't like. Most of the trousers just are skinny leg or not a style that I think I would like. I do have good news though! My size 18s are far too big on me. I think I'm closer to a 14. I tried on a pair of 32s and managed to suck in my tummy enough that I could button it. Of course, it was a tight fit, and I was going to go walking, so I changed into my regular trousers, which I am also happy to report are also too big. size 36 waist I am not. I am about a 33/34. Progress is slow but steady. As far as what is ahead. I have planned, but not yet scheduled Laser Hair removal via LightSheer Diode or Sheer Duet. I plan on doing this before my psych evaluation in august. Would it be better to go there with a Splotchy face, I wonder? Or would that make a difference? I just want to show them that I am making progress and committed. I hope they start me on some anti-androgen as well after a few sessions. Business-wise things are ok. I am trying to decide if I will operate at cost or try for a surplus. On the one hand, having a surplus means it is taxable, however, if I operate at cost, then there is less tax to be paid. I don't really want to pay myself a salary or income. There are no shares or stocks, so it doesn't matter.  Reading many of your blogs, makes me happy for some, and joyful for others. Not everything is perfect. Although we don't usually want to talk about our love lives, I may as well. I don't have one. I'm not even sure at this stage if I even want one. It wouldn't be bad to have someone to smooch with, but as far as a serious relationship? That just seems overly complicated. the question I have to ask myself is would you date someone who was going through a similarly  emotionally turbulent and tumultuous time? Is it fair to that person to lavish them with praise and burden them with your own emotional investment? I speak from experience. I dated someone once and quickly married them. Something which resulted in a separation and remaining as close friends. I made the mistake of making her settle down when it was probably not the best thing to do. As she said to me, "Enjoy it, as this is the only time in the world you can do this. Go out there and have fun, but be safe!" :) So, I'd like to have fun, but I remain cautious. Am I "living full-time"? Well, in my head, yes. The biggest hurdle is the sack of clothes that I have kept around. Sort of like an escape plan. Once I am rid of it, I give myself no choice, but to acquire new clothes. So what holds me back? Do, I doubt that I really identify myself as a woman? No, not really. Its just me holding onto the past, wishing that it wasn't this way. Wishing that I may someday wake up, and not feel this dissonance between body and mind. I'll do it to the fullest when I do. Like most things, I have trepidations starting out. First day jitters. I know that as I continue to expand into full-time status, that I will just get used to it. All of us experience this differently. I know that many of us share similar thoughts and ideas. I also know many of us have different goals and desires. Some want to bring awareness to our plights, others want to just pass by unnoticed. I've thought about that a bit. I wouldn't call it skulking in the shadows, but I would say that I wouldn't enjoy the limelight as much as others. I'd rather that I never had to tell anybody that I am trans. Especially not someone who I may encounter in the future. That lucky girl or boy who would mean the world to me. Of course, that is something I may wish to write about at a future point. My dear friends, I hope that I haven't rambled on for too long. I've tried to keep it short, but alas, I am unable to do so. This is why I can't use twitter. Cool hugs, Rachel
    796 Posted by Rachel Maxwell
  • Here are a few updates to all of you with a keen interest. I haven't been doing very much. Mostly sitting idle. I'm not exactly waiting for things to happen all by themselves. It is more like I am waiting for the pieces to settle into place. What seems like a glacial rate of change now will surely accelerate in the next few months. It's such a shame that I'm in Norway somtimes. Not that things are horrible here. Quite the opposite really. The weather has been stunning and brilliant. It almost feels like summer. With clear blue skies sometimes touched with clouds and a cool breeze, things are just beautiful. Thats not what I mean when I say that is a shame. If anything I love Oslo this time of year. I don't enjoy not having many social opportunities. To say that the TG scene here is abysmal would be an understandment. I'm not saying there isn't anyone nor that there aren't any opportunities for such events. They just don't happen to be the sort of events that I'm particularly interested in. How many geeks do you know? How many of you are into computers? Board Games? Video Games? Movies? Documentaries? :) My problem is that I just usually don't like going out to loud or noisy places. I don't really enjoy alcohol all that much, but I do like cider. Shame I have diabetes and cannot enjoy it that often. Maybe I'm just crazy for liking nights in. Since it is summer, I have put on a dress, but it reminds me why I don't like then if they aren't long. I don't care much for the scars on my right leg. They certainly detract from my femininity. I must say though it is a large size, and it fits well enough. It isn't too tight. I would take a picture, but really who wants to see that? I haven't done any make up. I still haven't plucked up the same courage as some of you; to go shopping by myself. Heck, I haven't even gone with a friend. I start off determined to buy something. Start browsing. Realise that other women are looking at me. Deciding that I don't really like anything at the store anyway, and hastily beat a retreat. Many of these things I see, I don't like. Most of the trousers just are skinny leg or not a style that I think I would like. I do have good news though! My size 18s are far too big on me. I think I'm closer to a 14. I tried on a pair of 32s and managed to suck in my tummy enough that I could button it. Of course, it was a tight fit, and I was going to go walking, so I changed into my regular trousers, which I am also happy to report are also too big. size 36 waist I am not. I am about a 33/34. Progress is slow but steady. As far as what is ahead. I have planned, but not yet scheduled Laser Hair removal via LightSheer Diode or Sheer Duet. I plan on doing this before my psych evaluation in august. Would it be better to go there with a Splotchy face, I wonder? Or would that make a difference? I just want to show them that I am making progress and committed. I hope they start me on some anti-androgen as well after a few sessions. Business-wise things are ok. I am trying to decide if I will operate at cost or try for a surplus. On the one hand, having a surplus means it is taxable, however, if I operate at cost, then there is less tax to be paid. I don't really want to pay myself a salary or income. There are no shares or stocks, so it doesn't matter.  Reading many of your blogs, makes me happy for some, and joyful for others. Not everything is perfect. Although we don't usually want to talk about our love lives, I may as well. I don't have one. I'm not even sure at this stage if I even want one. It wouldn't be bad to have someone to smooch with, but as far as a serious relationship? That just seems overly complicated. the question I have to ask myself is would you date someone who was going through a similarly  emotionally turbulent and tumultuous time? Is it fair to that person to lavish them with praise and burden them with your own emotional investment? I speak from experience. I dated someone once and quickly married them. Something which resulted in a separation and remaining as close friends. I made the mistake of making her settle down when it was probably not the best thing to do. As she said to me, "Enjoy it, as this is the only time in the world you can do this. Go out there and have fun, but be safe!" :) So, I'd like to have fun, but I remain cautious. Am I "living full-time"? Well, in my head, yes. The biggest hurdle is the sack of clothes that I have kept around. Sort of like an escape plan. Once I am rid of it, I give myself no choice, but to acquire new clothes. So what holds me back? Do, I doubt that I really identify myself as a woman? No, not really. Its just me holding onto the past, wishing that it wasn't this way. Wishing that I may someday wake up, and not feel this dissonance between body and mind. I'll do it to the fullest when I do. Like most things, I have trepidations starting out. First day jitters. I know that as I continue to expand into full-time status, that I will just get used to it. All of us experience this differently. I know that many of us share similar thoughts and ideas. I also know many of us have different goals and desires. Some want to bring awareness to our plights, others want to just pass by unnoticed. I've thought about that a bit. I wouldn't call it skulking in the shadows, but I would say that I wouldn't enjoy the limelight as much as others. I'd rather that I never had to tell anybody that I am trans. Especially not someone who I may encounter in the future. That lucky girl or boy who would mean the world to me. Of course, that is something I may wish to write about at a future point. My dear friends, I hope that I haven't rambled on for too long. I've tried to keep it short, but alas, I am unable to do so. This is why I can't use twitter. Cool hugs, Rachel
    Jun 01, 2014 796