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  • 27 Oct 2016
    Some things should never been done, either when drunk or sleep deprived, declarations of love, harsh cutting words, driving any sort of vehicle or jumping off high buildings, even posting polls about name changes. So why did I do it? Blame on the boggie or sleep deprivation. Well seems I'd just finished a 12hour night shift plus a hour late and having just 3hours sleep, maybe it wasn't the boggie. Yer, yer, I hear you say but WHY! Some call it the Black Dog, the Black Mood, Dark Shadow, myself it my old friend the Blues. Depression. When you suffering from lack of sleep, my friend Blue does have a why of screwing with my head. For a while now, I have been down to say the least. Lack of sleep, lack of energy, hopelessness. I sure there a few who know this creeping fiend, hiding in the shadows and corners of our mind, feeding on our self confidence. So after six years free, I'm back on the happy pills, not a defeat, but a helping hand. Why? Well just over 20years ago I have a break down, I crashed and burned, walking along the edge of suicide, I was in a bad place. 20years ago I would of seen any seen taking anti-depressants as a defeat but not now. That was a long and hard road. I've also took some time off work, had few days away, a week in Corfu. Spent time with freinds and family. As for my name well there was a long time I had no female name, just a male name, tried to be Susan, then Stephanie, the female form of my male name for while. However, since my divorce, I've been Rachael almost 12years now. So I had some sleep got my head space back, I'm on the up-ish, called myself a numpty. Therefore, I am Rachael.      
    3496 Posted by Rachael Louise Blanche
  • 12 Feb 2014
    These are the voyages of the starship Pink Kitty....   In my younger years I found solice in sci-fi, this is when it was still considered silly and childish. At school I was the geek, the nerd, the freak, the wierdo and anything else the in-crowd like to taunt our little group of social outcasts with. I suppose on the positive side I could see the faces of my bullies, ( this was the 70s) and could have go back. At this point I may add I also discovered the quick one liner and sarcasm, which at least give me time to run away while my tormentors tried to decide if they had been insulted or to laugh.   But I'm going off on a tangent here. Back to the sci-fi. As said I found solice in sci-fi mainly books, but when I could I'd try and watch Star Trek, Blake's 7, Doctor Who (with Tom Baker) The Tomorrow People, even the saturaday mornings re-runs of Flash Gorden & Buck Rogers. Fireball XL-5,Thurndebirds, Captain Scarlett, Joe 90. No vhs, no catch up, no playback anytime, anywhere, just an old telly with 3 channels, sometimes.   Of course I had my books, I, Robot, More Robots, The Foundaion series, The Dune series, Hitchhicker's Guide to the Galaxy, the triology in four parts and of course The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings, plus many more, good, bad and indifferent and some best forgotten. Then there was the comics, Batman, Superman, Spiderman, X-men and of course 2000AD, were I first meet Judge Dredd nothing fancy everything simple.   Then there was 1977. I was 13, me or one my brothers had won some tickets for a new film that was coming out. So there we sat in the middle of the cinema, half way up (only one screen) the lights dimmed, and this spaceship exploded across the screen, lasers fired following the spaceship and then a rumble as the tip of next spaceship followed and it kept on growing till it filled the whole screen. I think I may sat mouth open the whole way through the film. Star Wars had arrived and sci-fi changed.   Slowly but surely sci-fi became main stream. All the oddballs, wierdos, outsiders, loners, all the ones that didn't fit into society's norms, who found solice in sci-fi/science/astronomy/the sinclaire spectrum. Those of us actully knew how to use a calculator for other then making the word 80085 (BOOBS). Those of us who entered geekhood course it didn't care about social conventions, in made us welcome who ever we where. Geekhood was being invaded by the cool kids, those who mocked us. Sci-fi/fantasy films and books were becoming accepted, Star Trek hit the big screen and made a TV come back. Superheros were cool, not just Batman and Superman but Spiderman (should I really mention the TV films of Spiderman and Captain America from the 70s/80s or not) but superheros no-one outside of Geekhood knew, Iron Man, Thor, The Beast, Wolverine, Professor X, Iceman, Loki and I could go on, mind you I can't mention Stallone's Dredd, I cry too much. Philip K Dick sudden become mainstream, 'Do Andriods Dream of Electric Sheep?' or Blade Runner if you must.    So when did Geek become chic? There was a time I could throw a quote to another fellow geek without anyone being sure what we were on about but people look at you and go 'Oh yer' mind you Monty Python stills throws most people ( yes I know it's not sci-fi but it still falls into the relm of geekhood Bignose). However, I most admitt my inner geek came to fore in a recent pub quizz, when ask 'What is the registerion number of the Starship Enterprise?' I went 'NCC-1701 with the surffix of A,B,C,D,E depending which Enterprise or NX-001 from the last series of Star Trek...' at which point I stopped, looking at the blank face of my fellow team mates, 'Which one?' came the question, 'Probably NCC-1701 is the one they want' came the reply. At which point my team mates looked at each and went 'He right, put it down'    Sorry tangents again. So when did Geek become Chic? However, is does go to show that the Geek will inherit the Earth...............       The Rocky Horror Picture Show...................      
    2960 Posted by Rachael Louise Blanche
  • 21 Apr 2014
    'The chioce we make are the paths we walk....'   "As I was b­ored I too­k the COGI­ATI test, ­I scored 1­30, classi­fication 4­, probable­ transsexu­al........­..... whic­h surprise­d me a bit­. Never re­ally consi­dered my s­elf transs­exual, Yes­ I've had ­my moments­ when I co­nsider goi­ng the 'wh­ole hog' b­ut that wa­s usually ­I was in m­y deepest ­part my on­going depr­ession. We­ll its giv­en me some­thing to m­aul over..­......... ­:) "   I posted this a while back on my profile, now I am not really a big fan of these types of test. You can easily modify the your answers to fit the questions, but saying that I was truthful was this test.   So I maulled it over and were does this leave me?   In truth I have considered, having reassignment surgery, I think the first was way back when I was in my late teens, early twenties, but this was the 80s, no internet and it was not the sort of thing you could wonder down to your local library and ask if they've got any books on 'How to be a Transvestite' or 'Is a sex change right for you?'. As for my GP? Very old school,  'Brain tumour, don't be silly it's just a headache, I'm the docotor, you know'   So this line of throught didn't go very far, even when I meet a transgender person I was so scared (I was scared due to fact I taking my driving test at the time), I couldn't ask any question!   Next time was when I was about 30ish, I was married with two young children, I even spoke to a therapist about (due to fact I was on depression tablets and having a bit of a hard time),  who did point out that my crossdressing was part of the reason for my depression, due the fact I couldn't truely express myself. However, at the end of the day I decided to put my children first, thinking they needed a father. So it never went any further.   Atfer that was when I got divorced. I throught damn it! I'll do it, I'll change my life completely. Somehow, life got in the way and I never managed it. Mind you at this time I was dressing as and when I wanted and in hindsight (isn't wonderful) I was spending more time dressed then in male mode (great big bloody sign there me thinks). I think I convinced myself I had found a balance, but I'm not sure I have if I'm honest.   So now, here I am. As a very dear any sorely missed friend said to me, you have to be 100% sure you want to go through with this. Once you start it's very difficult to turn back and you'll go thro hell and high water and you'll see who your true friends are. There lays the crux of my problem I'm only probably 80-85% sure. Yes, throughtout my life this thought has been seating there in the back of my mind simmering away, coming to the boil every now and again. Do I have the courage and conviction or will I do what I always do and put other peoples happiness before my own.   So I'll do what I've always done weighing up the pros and cons, and never really getting anywhere.                      
    2849 Posted by Rachael Louise Blanche
  • 18 Mar 2014
    Strange is the world with live in.   Well so where do I start? Take a picture of me and depending who I am you might get a a decent one. You see while I'm in male mode I hate my picture being taken and advoid getting in front of the lens at all costs. My mum says she only has half a dozen photos of me that are decent where I am not hiding pulling a face or doing something to mess the photo up. One of the 'decent' photos my Mum has is a wedding pic with my Ex, btw Ex has been very neatly removed. My Gf has the same problem one of her fave picture of me is one of me at a party half cut and smiling.   So why is it when I'm in 'female mode' you can't stop me from having my picture taken? As some of you may have notice I do like to pose in front of a camera when my female persona comes out to play. Some whats the difference essentially I'm still the same person, so why do I go from being photophobic to photophillic (not sure thats a real word?).   I suppose if you wanted to get all pyschological about it you might say that I prefer my image as female rather than male. Hence my subconsious or consious effort to not have my photo taken while I'm in in male mode. Therefore, very consious effort to have my photo taken while in 'female mode' because I prefer my projected female image.   Of course this is a very simple explaniation to a complex issue. In my male mode I spend very little time in front of the mirror and you guess it in female mode I'm admiring myself in every mirror. There many more examples I could give but I'd really would be boring you. So what does this mean to me, am I suppressing an urge to transform my body in a female shape, subconiously do I want to be female full time? Or am I just a TV poser?       
    2720 Posted by Rachael Louise Blanche
205 views Sep 01, 2021
Greeting and Salutions

Well Hello Everybody!

It appears I have been away for nearly 4 years, well I haven't posted anything for 4years. I have popping in under the cover of darkness every now and again.

So what is new with me. Well I worked through COVid19, well I really couldn't avoid it. As I work for the NHS. I had asymptotic COVid19, apart from a sore throat, that was my only symptom. So, I consider myself lucky.

I went dark on the dressing front for a short while had some mild crisis over it, but that resolved itself. I am once again single. And that's a story for another day. I've also rediscovered my kinks, my love of leather, latex and PVC, but again that's is definitely a story for another day. Got save something to write about later.

So I am back, popping in and out, saying hello to anybody who wishes to talk and trying post more stuff on a regular basis.

So thanks for reading and have a lovely life.


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