I was intrigued recently by a BBC Horizon Show where they investigated accidents during surgical operations by looking at other industries and jobs. For example, how could medical safety learn from airline safety? how can techniques used to make sure firefighters make the right life or death decisions be used by a surgeon?
So I got to thinking what can the transgendered learn from other, seemingly unrelated activities?
A big issue for me is going out into the big wide world dressed and being confident and at ease. Its fine in a safe trans environment but away from that - on a bus, in the street, in the mall? It's all too easy to be terrified and a nervous wreck. Where in the world can we find simple tricks to make us bold, confident and comfortable women?
So I looked out into the world.... where do people get nervous? Where do people get so totally and completely terrified that they can become quivering jellies and faint out cold? The main place I found..... PUBLIC SPEAKING!
Public speaking is something close to my heart. When I was at school, then college, then starting working, there were times when I would have to stand in front of an audience and speak. It used to terrify me! I could not sleep for weeks on end, I hated it. I would quite happily have done ANYTHING to avoid public speaking. Today, years later, public speaking is part of my daily life. I give technical presentations all the time, I present conference speeches and I am a part time university lecturer. If someone asks me to do a presentation, I gladly grab the chance and LOVE every minute. A big turnaround!
How I turned myself around to be a confident public speaker and enjoying it will be used in this article to being a confident public crossdresser. I have also researched other sources for being a confident speaker. I think many of these techniques work just as well to boost your confidence as you pass yourself off as a woman. And how often do we hear on Transtastic that confidence is the key to passing? The topics covered here are based on how to stop being a nervous wreck at public speaking but I hope you'll see an easy correlation to passing.
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1. Visualisation
Visualisation is scientifically proven to work with athletes to improve their performance. By closing their eyes and visualising (imagining) themselves winning a race, it will make them faster.
Now, as transpeople, visualisation is probably a part of what we do. We imagine what we will look like as woman, what the clothes will feel like and many use this as a sexual turn on. So you know how to visualise. But instead of visualising that sexy woman slowly rolling a stocking up her silky thigh, visualise a confident woman in a simple, even boring, situation. Imagine you are completely accepted. No-one knows you are trans. Visualise yourself as a smiling, chatty, confident woman. Visualise YOU as the confident woman brightening everyone's day with your smile. Visualise YOU as that confident woman in the place you will go.
Visualise. Visualise in a POSITIVE way!
2. Make yourself a physical goddess
A great thing for nerves and stress is exercise! It's also good for your health, obviously, and its good for losing weight, looking more feminine, maybe even better for walking in high heels. Look after yourself. It helps in dressing in so many ways. If you look great it will boost your confidence.
Pamper yourself, exfoliate and moisturise, moisturise, moisturise! It doesn't take hours to get ready... it takes weeks! It's a full time job?
3. Fail to prepare, prepare to fail!
Good preparation is everything in public speaking. It's also true for crossdressing. You must plan what you will wear. Wear what other women in that situation wear. Go and scout where you will go, see what the real girls of your age wear. Go for the most common and average 'look'. I know we love to be feminine, I know we have been starved of our femininity - but don't, do not, go over the top. If you look plain, you will not attract attention and stick out like a sore thumb. You will look safer to approach and the muggles will be less scared!
So you have an idea of the 'look' that will fit in. Now you need the clothes to suit that look. Try them on at home, try everything on, see what compliments and looks best on you. Do a dress rehearsal, do some more. Take photos - video is even better. What do you look like, what do you move like? Most public speaking courses roll out a video camera at some point. The person we think we are isn't always what other see. So film yourself dressed, moving, standing, walking. Then analyse the video. What looked good, what needs work.
A key part of the dress rehearsal isn't just the clothes, it's the hair and make-up. Again, context is everything. Where are you going,what do the real girls wear and what looks good in your videos?
Shoes are important, wear comfy shoes! The best I have passed is when wearing flat Ugg Boots. I like a heel, it makes me walk feminine but adds height. Flats are great, real girls wear flats. Keep the six inch stilettos for the bedroom!
4. Practice, Practice, Practice
Practice is everything! The more you do it, the easier it is. That's why I now adore public speaking. I have done it so often, so regularly, in fact - it's what I do. I'm sure you remember your first time out dressed, even at a trans friendly place - I bet you were nervous. Your first time dressed in a shopping mall, you are bound to be nervous, it's natural. Your 10th time dressed in a shopping mall? Will you really care? This is called desensitisation, the more we are exposed to something, the easier we can handle it. Some speaking coaches talk about 'comfort challenges', doing something that scares us, takes us out of our comfort zone.
We can do 'comfort challenges' in our everyday lives. Put ourselves out, stop and ask for directions (even if you don't need them!). We can challenge ourselves socially and in public. Make your male self confident, approachable and a lovely social person will help you dressed.
5. Have great material!
In my speaking presentations, having great material makes the whole thing fun. Funny videos, fancy graphics and wow material make me disparate to show the world a great presentation. Why not for your trip out as a woman? Buy some great things that make you want to get out there and show the world! Lots of books on women confidence include something on underwear. Wearing expensive, luxurious matching bra and panties can give any woman confidence. Having a fabulous handbag, great shoes, perfect hair, nail varnish.... so many things can contribute to your 'great material'. BUT don't go over the top! Sometimes simple things can be gloriously classy and elegant.
6. Take pauses
When speaking, sometimes the nerves cut in and you can speak too fast. Sentences can all become strung together. STOP! Breathe and PAUSE.
It's the same out dressing and I am so guilty of this! As a tranny, it's tempting to rush about. It's a natural reaction to nerves - 'flight or fight'. We can take flight, rush around, looking nervous, looking suspicious - drawing even more attention to ourselves, making ourselves look dodgy and a little pervy. Look at real women in town. Very often they take their time, stop, be a little lackadaisical, real women..... PAUSE. And as you pause, keep your head up, make eye contact, smile - be confident. Even ask questions, make small talk. You're a transwoman, a human being, not a frightened man in a dress.
7. Focus on the Now
I have lost count of the times that I came across 'focus on the now' as I researched this. What is it? Nervousness comes from negative projections of what may happen sometime in the future. Or from what happened in the past, perhaps from the last time you went out dressed. When you instead focus your attention on what’s happening NOW, NOW and… NOW the nervousness dies out too. NOW you are living your dream, wearing a great outfit and NOW you are just another woman in the street.
8. Do a journal, record your experiences
This is an interesting one. Some public speaking gurus suggest this to record your thoughts - what went well, what could you do better. My first time out in Manchester City Centre in the 1990's dressed as a woman for a days shopping, I took a small notebook/journal with me. When I sat down in a coffee shop or got some lunch, I got my journal out and scribbled my thoughts of the experience. At the very least, it gave me something to occupy my time but also it gave me something to focus on. The whole world could be staring at me (no-one really cared) but I had my coffee and my journal. I felt glamorous, like a writer, I felt in control. It also made for a fun and interesting blog to post later. ((Being a tall girl, taking a long break SITTING is always good, Sitting makes you look smaller, I don't stand out so much))
9. Don't forget to breathe!!!!
Breathing is powerful, it can calm us down and flood the brain with oxygen. A simple few deep breaths make all the difference to bring calm and reduce nerves.
10. The old Transtastic Favourite: no-one really cares but.... theres always an asshole!
We've talked about this long and hard on Transtastic! Generally, people don't give a shit. They have their own worries, own bubbles, own stress to worry about. People don't care you're a tranny. If you get spotted, they still stumble along with their own worries. People are generally nice. People will admire you, admire your bravery, admire your figure. People are generally good and kind. BUT there is ALWAYS an asshole! Always! But whether you are a tranny, disabled, of a different ethnic group, very tall, very short, very fat, very thin, elderly... there is ALWAYS an asshole who might be rude. They are dumb and stupid but it's not their fault they have crappy genes. Move on and steer away from them.
Finally......
Some of this may work, some parts may work better for you, some may not. You may be blessed and pass with confidence already. You may have better ideas! If so, I'd love to hear them!
In Part Two, I look at how people overcome phobias to handle things that people never used to be able to even look at! In support of this research, I will be handling all sorts of things that really scare me ;)
Light and Love Always,
Jules xxxxxxx
DISCLAIMER: Always be careful, just like real women. You are a woman, you might be vulnerable. As a woman you wouldn't walk down a dark alley at midnight. You are precious and special - be careful!
